alanta87

Life is moving so fast. University seemed to come and go so fast. Its been 4 years and so much has changed. And the changes are only beginning. I'm leaving half way across the world soon...I wonder if you care. I know its been 4 years, and even though the thought of a new us has long passed me by, I still miss the old us. I know thats a place in the past, a place where it'll be impossible to go back to. But even now, when they ask "Have you ever loved before?" the answer is always the same..."Yes" and its always been you.

You are my kryptonite, you make me weak.

I lied, there are girls in my life, its a constant thing, I think I'm scared to be with them. Its not that I'm picky, but no one else comes close to comparable. Every night I go to sleep, I think about who I miss the most, who I'd like to call the most, the one I want to talk to before I fall asleep, and its always you.

You make it so hard for me. I was trying and I was doing so good.

Long time no post. Nothing's changed. I still miss you from time to time.
and ... I miss being in love and feeling the reciprocity of that love. Wish me luck.

no matter where i am, how I'm feeling, who i'm with...you're the only girl i think about before i go to sleep.

Aries: You keep hoping for things to change, but some things are out of your control. Work on accepting what you already have instead of trying to change it.

Ever since I came back from Toronto I feel like we've slowly (or quickly) been drifting away. And i know its because of my lack of physical presence within your life. Yeah we talk on the phone... but I know you need more than that from me. It just hurts to know that I can't give you all of me, especially when you need it most like last night when I should've been there to comfort you, I not only felt guilty for not being able to be there physically with you to hold you in my arms, but when you called I was out and I knew that you wouldn't want to talk to me if i was out...and i felt so useless because I couldn't be there for you. And this is what scares me...even though we're not in any official relationship, i don't like the fact that since I can't be there for you that you'll confide in some other guy (seeings as most of your guys are friends) and then well...my imagination runs off from there...I want to be the only guy that you talk to about your problems, the only guy to make you feel better, the only guy to comfort you, and I know I can because seeing you in a bad mood affects how I feel, and as long as I know you're happy I'll be happy. And i want to be there to make you happy. I don't know where I'm going with this because it still comes down to the fact that You're over there and I'm over here which means that our relationship can only go so far...and I should accept that by now. I thought my horoscope today was really fitting of how i felt today. or how i feel everyday. -- i'm hoping for US to change so that we CAN work but its out of my control, we're still young and theres more important stuff that we should be worrying about at this age... i feel like we're just going in circles right now and i'm just waiting for the right time for us to break out of the cycle...but in the happy ending kind of way...I guess all I can do right now is wait out the rest of the month until you come back. i miss you...like CRAZYYYY. i hope you know that.

since my last post my life has become a lot more routine and settled down...even though i'm busier than ever (i know it doesn't make sense - 'settled down' and busier than ever?!) i guess you could say i've matured a lot and have become a lot more isolated and not as social (in the sense that I don't go out as much anymore) - its mostly because I'm busy and my lifestyle has changed, i don't go out to the bars anymore...(i'm at home and typing this out on a friday night, the night i usually set aside for partying)... all i need are some close friends that i can call on when i need to and....her. talking to angela everyday when i get a chance really makes waking up in the morning worth it. i just got back from visiting her in toronto and i loved every second i spent with her, yeah theres residual feelings there but i think more importantly those feelings never left and even though we've both changed and grew (independently) my feelings for her never changed. and i have learned to cherish every moment with her, every conversation we have, every kiss we share, every second her hand is coupled with mine, and every chance i have to gaze into her eyes. she really brings out the best in me and definitely emphasizes the closet romantic that i am. like i've said before i don't know whats going to happen with us since we're still living on different sides of the country and we're still young. but i force myself not to think about it and just believe that in the very end we can be together... everytime we get closer the idea of being with her forever grows stronger and sometimes i can truly feel that she is the one...and i want to be hers for the rest of my lifetime... but for now the story has yet to end and so it goes on....

as the semester comes to an end, so do other things in my life...since i'm not very consistent with updating this (which i should since i do have horrible memory)...last night i broke up with marina after 5 months, it just wasn't working and the thing was that i knew she wasn't my type from the beginning, its been a pretty stressful past 24 hrs...yeah i don't feel for her anymore, but i do sympathize, i mean - after 5 months theres some attachment there and it hurts to see her hurt especailly knowing that i was the one who caused it...when i broke the news to her she begged me to give her another chance, what i didn't understand was if someone told you they didn't like you why would you still want to try again knowing that it would be a one-sided relationship?...i guess love makes you desperate. so with the end of that, i now need to concentrate on studying for finals because this has been the worst semester of university thus far and it sucks because its only until this semester that i've realized where i want to go and that i need the grades to get there. secretly i know i'll pull through in the end, i just don't want to jinx it. so i choose to over-stress it...i guess even as the semester comes to an end, theres lots of good new beginnings for me...i got my co-op internship at CNRL (oil and gas) and im doing property accounting for the next 8 months...i'm definitely excited to not be going to school. AND angela and I are at our best (since the "break up" in xmas 05)...which i'm definitely happy about. and shes coming home...yeah i know i'm over her, but regardless she's the first girl i loved and up till now is still the only girl that i've ever loved. a little part of me hopes flames can be rekindled when shes back in calgary. or at least sparks. but if that does happen things will definitely get complicated because shes going to eventually have to go back to London...back to where i can't protect and care for her. and i know if we are to be together thats what she would need from me...whatever happens im choosing not to think about it right now. i need to concentrate on my priorities...

So since my last post three quarters of a year ago...here I am. Why am I back? Well apparantly it is a known fact that I have horrible memory. I guess what I have is short-term memory, and can't remember the stuff way back. Actually...my short-term memory is really short because sometimes i have to think really hard to remember what I did in the morning. OR maybe I have selective memory whatever the case...it depresses me..ONE because I can't remember things when I want to TWO because I can't study for tests ahead of time like they suggest and THREE because I'm scared I might forget all the happier times I've had...so I've decided to USE this as a place to write stuff down...oh and btw - there is not ONE person that i know of that knows that i have LJ..and i intend to keep it that way.

Quick update since last post: (or what I remember of it)...
SEPTEMBER Started off my first semester of second year with not so great of a record of going to class...this is was a habit throughout the semester and I actually did a lot better than I expected in the end. At the end of August I had a confrontation with her (the ex) ... stupid me, lying to myself for the past 6 months - telling myself that i was over her...but there she was..and guess what? i was far from over her. soooo strange string of events...after the night that i bumped into her at the bar exchanging awkward...okay well no, maybe not awkward for her, but for me...whatever ..moving on...just to remind me - the next day with the thousands of cheques and hers happens to fall out. and then the fortune cookie...yeah yeah coincidences make you think what you want to think....WHATEVER! i'm done with this story...so what happened in the end? we become FRIENDS...again...we talked consistently on a weekly. sometimes bi-weekly basis. it was nice. but during that time i probably told her too much information. not that i have secrets to keep from her, i just don't want her to think of me any different....hmm, yes - i still miss her.

anyways i'm stressed, i'm hungry, and i'm going to sleep so i can wake up and eat in 6 hrs.

Just got back from Edmonton, I spent all of yesterday with Alex, hoping I could get something out of him about you, or maybe that if I told him something that he would tell you. Not exactly sure what I was doing. I know its kind of scheming, but I knew that you guys still talked. I hoped that he would put in a good word for me or something like that. But everytime I brought you up he doesn't really respond with much, if anything at all. I guess what I wanted to know was if you ever just simply mentioned my name to him...in a good way. He kept telling me that he doesn't talk to you much, but I checked his phone, and there were some phone calls exchanged. This is stating to sound creepy stalker-ish. I just can't get you out of my mind, its summer and I keep thinking about last year. About Banff. It makes me miss you even more. And the fact that you're coming home next week (information obtained through Alex), makes me anxious, but sad at the same time knowing that the only way that I'm going to see you is if I bump into you coincidentally. Perhaps I'll muster up the courage to call you and ask you to go for coffee or something of that sort. All I'm hoping for is just to see you again but I don't know if its reciprocal. I'm just trying not to think about it much and wishfully hoping that somehow, someway, fate/destiny/luck/chance will let us cross-paths again. I wish you the best on your exams, and a safe flight home...home.

laying here listening to the CD that i made for your birthday last year. i wonder if you still have it. i wonder if you had a happy birthday, if it was everything you wanted. i wonder if you felt that something was missing. i hope you liked the card that i sent you, i was going to make you another CD, but I came to the conclusion that you wouldn't appreciate it like you used to. i received your text message with your thanks, it didn't sound like you, it sounded like the you that was simply being friendly. i can't distinguish the sincerity from the friendliness. i'm just wishing for the slightest bit of sincerity, just so i know that i'm not completely forgotten. it seems as if we've switched roles. you're the one that doesn't seem to want to be friends anymore. or maybe i'm still giving out that negative vibe that pushed you away in the first place. you're coming home soon. i don't know what i'm anticipating, but for some reason i'm getting anxious. i guess i just hope that maybe i can bump into you, steal a glance, have a moment. or maybe we can start as friends again. we can talk. i hope we talk. i have so much to tell you. or at least so much i want to tell you, i don't know if it'll actually come out in words...i don't know what's wrong with me, i can't bring myself to get over you. i guess i'm just not trying hard enough. i'm sorry. i don't know what to do. i have to stop wishfully thinking that this is all going to end up like it does in the movies. the perfect couple is separated - time lapse - they grow-up, mature, get their minds straight, and realize how much they miss/needed/ thought about/loved each other....but i think i'm forever stuck in the time lapse. i should start to realize that happy endings don't exist in real life. i hope one day you can come to realize how much you truly mean to me....see you soon.

Another routine birthday, this year I turned 19, and I feel no more older or mature than i did a year ago. I was actually surprised at the amount of people that truly remembered this year. I've never really made a big deal of my birthday, and I never expect anyone else to. It's one of those things that I keep to myself, maybe because secretly I want to see who cares enough to remember. And this year I definitely felt cared for, even though my parents weren't here, and neither were you. But you still managed to keep me smiling all day. Although I must admit I was scared that you I wasn't going to get a simple "happy birthday" from you. I know you didn't forget, I was more scared that I might've pushed you away so much that you would be afraid to say anything at all. To be honest, I was really anxiously expecting a call or at the least a txt msg from you. But as the hours passed, I didn't know what to think, I have to admit that I was getting scared that I was going to be let down. I'm very grateful for the msg on CP though, I didn't lie when I said it made my day. WoW, I'm making this sound like a big deal, hmm well it is a big deal to me so =D. Moving on... its getting late and its going to be a long day tomorrow. So good night. I wonder if you know you're being missed.

<p align="right'><B> "Still dreaming of that vineyard with the kids..."

My first post. My parents left for China again, this time for two months. Home alone for two months. Another year, another birthday without them, at least last year I had you. This year it really feels like I'm alone. Even though your name still runs through my mind everyday, I'm missing you so much more. I guess I'm beginning to relate to how you first felt when you moved away, away from your family, away from me. But I'm sure you're over that now. Well at least the me part. And even though we don't communicate anymore (all of which can be blamed on me), I still think about you everyday. And although we've both moved on, I can't stop myself from thinking about you in everything I do. I don't know if you ever knew, but you were truly a part of my life in all aspects, more than anyone has ever been, and it feels like you'll always be the only one that ever will be. I find that now, when I'm missing you, I'm simply just thinking about you, your eyes, your smile, your name, your love; I'm not thinking about if you're thinking about me too or if you're missing me too. Maybe because I've come to believe that thats far from actual reality.

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open, and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.”
—WRITER DOROTHY PARKER